addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
