I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
