You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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