I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
