I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
we're making bets on your personal life
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize