Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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