I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
