ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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