I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
