Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
