He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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