Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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