Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
