I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize