I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
