It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
