i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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