If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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