32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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