who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
