Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize