drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
