i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I want to be your penis for a week.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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