dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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