The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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