I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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