they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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