No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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