party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
