can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
