I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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