My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
