I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
