Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
