Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
