worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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