Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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