Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Randomize
