You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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