Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
