dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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