She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Swine flu is the new snow day.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
