My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
