God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
