u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
