I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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