I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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