Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
