To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
