Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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