I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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