Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
