If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Randomize
