i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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