So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
