Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize