i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
