i wish starbucks made bloody marys
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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