Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize