im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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