Do you still have your period?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Did I show you my penis last night?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
