meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
